"Beware the barrenness of a busy life." - Socrates
After a blissful preschool and Kindergarten experience, my daughter started first grade this past year. We were told by many that we'd be launching her into the real world and that her life of wonder and imaginative and creative learning was about to come to a screeching halt.
Sure enough the realities of modern American education set in. Each day I pressed my daughter to get her 1.5 hours of first grade homework done after her 6.5 highly structured school day. With little resistance, she complied with the schedule and demands. Though unsettled by what seemed extreme, I hoped her schooling, that at least some educators think is a good idea, was preparing her for a secure and happy life……in twenty years.
Of course, I also wanted her to be happy in her six year old life, so I'd repeatedly say things like…
“Let’s get your homework out of the way!”
“Only three more days left until the weekend!”
“You're half way through the school year! ”…..
In case I hadn't already convinced her that life is simply something we get over with, I took her for a treat one "Hump Day." For her this was particularly odd, as we'd never celebrated Wednesdays before.
Amidst the growing stress of our new life, an uncomfortable or rather terrifying vision began to form - one in which I'm with my daughter at a restaurant, …not any restaurant - TGIF. I'm telling her with the intensity of Bobby Knight….
“And once you get elementary school UNDER YOUR BELT, you can TACKLE middle school and then you’ll TAKE ON high school. Before you know it, you'll be off to college ….(where hopefully you won't be in the 45% who will become depressed). STAY ON TRACK and you'll go to graduate school or WORK LIKE A DOG and GET AHEAD or CLIMB A LATTER or maybe even HIT A GLASS CEILING. Maybe you'll have children….just make sure if you do, you turn them into “happy" adults. Keep going and before you know it, you’ll have a MID LIFE CRISIS….(you know, when you realize you've forgone happiness for so long that you recklessly grab as much as you think you missed and deserve.) Or maybe you’ll KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL and look forward to retirement. Whew – you made it!!! Finally you can be happy! But wait! What on earth are you going to do with yourself if you're not working towards something that's supposed to make you happy? Kind of stressful to think about, isn’t it? …… Can I have some of your french fries? It doesn't look like you're going to be enjoying them."
In psychologist Tal Ben-Sharhar's book Happier, he talks about four approaches to happiness:
- The Rat- Race: Sacrifice present enjoyment to be happy later.
- Hedonism: Seek pleasure and avoid pain; focus only on the present. This lack of long term purpose or challenge leads to feelings of boredom and emptiness.
- Nihilism: Do not find pleasure in the present or in the future; live in past failures to attain happiness.
- Happiness: Find pleasure in the present and in the future. “Spend as much time possible engaged in activities that provide both present and future benefit.” Essentially enjoying the journey.
Though we did end up transferring our daughter to a different school, the experience made me (and continues to make me) reevaluate which time zones I want our family living in. It also reinforced my beliefs that:
- Learning and life should be interesting and enjoyable, not something we get out of the way.
- We all think better and work harder when we're happy and not stressed.
- We need activities in our daily life that energize and give us fuel for the less enjoyable activities.
- Working towards a goal, pushing ourselves or rather stretching ourselves should be challenging and satisfying - not painful.
- Delaying gratification for too long will take it's toll emotionally and physically.
- Success and happiness and even excellence and achievement are had by those who while working toward their goals are enjoying their lives and the steps along the way.
- The process of getting from here to there is all we really have.