ME: My hair is turning gray. It actually has been for 12 years, but the number of white strands is reaching a critical mass that allows me to state with certainty, 'My hair is turning gray.' For a time, I had highlights. I could get them again to detract from my emerging gray. I did love those golden streaks, but who knows, …I might just love silver steaks.
THE ZOOLOGIST: The graying of your hair indicates to prospective males: “Red alert - This female is not at the peak of reproductive fitness. Depositing your sperm here could be a waste of time and may not yield offspring."
ME: I’m okay with that… I really am…Even when I was single and full of eggs; I never was one to scream out, “Look at me, all you sperm bearing males…. Peak of reproductive fitness here… Let’s start growing this population!”
THE SCIENTIST: We're working around the clock on surgeries, chemicals and contraptions to help women counter the effects of aging. To date, applying color to the hair is the easiest and most effective weapon women have against this devastating process.
ME: $$##%%&&!!!!! I thought I was nearing the end of the Vanity Wars. You're telling me -they’re just beginning?
THE TV FASHION EXPERT: There’s no denying it. Gray hair isn’t sexy. Ask yourself, how many women with gray hair are sex symbols?
ME: You really should meet my friend - the zoologist. But wait, ….you’re not talking about reproduction; you’re talking about sex, something nature intended to be enjoyed well beyond our reproductive years. I’m pretty sure I’m okay with not being a symbol of sex. Couldn't we put that energy into other things …like having really great sex with the person we love?
THE CONVINCING WOMAN: All you have to do is color your hair; it really will make you look younger. You’ll feel better about yourself. Really you will.
ME: Really? I feel pretty good. In fact, I’ve been especially happy with myself since I disconnected the box in my living room - the one that kept telling I should look more like Pamela Anderson. I kind of thought I’d just keep on liking myself; maybe even like myself more, regardless of my hair.
MASS CULTURE IN THE FORM OF A RADIO TALK SHOW HOST: That broad's really lett'n herself go. Have you seen that old bag lately?
ME: Wow. Do you know how angry you are? Why does gray hair enrage you? Maybe signs of aging heighten your unconscious fears about your own mortality? Oh, but wait – it’s women with gray hair that enrage you, not men. Maybe it’s easier to hate those you perceive as inferior and not following the rules. The alternative is admitting your own suppression by a patriarchal society that forces both men and women to conform to stereotypes. How's that working out for you?
A WOMEN SENATOR (All of the 17 women senators are without gray hair): To be successful you have to look good and in this day and age that means looking young. We have to play the game. It’s not right, but the alternative is not playing and we need women in leadership.
ME: So you’re telling me, to lead you have to follow, even if what you’re following doesn’t make sense to you. But wait ….what about the 7 (of the 75) women in Congress who show gray hair. How in this country did they become leaders? Maybe they’re playing a different game.
THE ANGRY WOMAN WITH GRAY HAIR: If you want to pay good money to sit for hours with toxic chemicals that have been poured on your head - go for it. While you’re sitting there, why don’t you just tell them to inject toxins into your face, insert water balloons in your chest and bind your feet.
ME: All compelling, but really …..you scare me. There’s a radio talk show host I think you should meet.
A CONFIDENT WOMAN WITHOUT GRAY HAIR: I dye my hair to keep my job. I need to feed my children and myself. It's that simple.
ME: #$*@%^&*$#!!!! Sexism PLUS ageism!!! Then we really are enslaved in a patriarchal society that devalues women, especially women with gray hair.
A CONFIDENT WOMAN WITH GRAY HAIR: I never thought of coloring my hair, it just wasn’t for me.
ME: I wish there were more of you. If you weren’t so gray, I’d tell you to go forth and multiply.
ANOTHER CONFIDENT WOMAN WITHOUT GRAY HAIR: For me it's easy. I dye my hair because I like this color hair on me. I think of it as I do my makeup, jewelry and clothes. I'm creative and expressive. I'm happy. Color, don't color - do whatever makes you happy.
ME: Thanks. That really makes sense to me.
ANOTHER CONFIDENT WOMAN WITH GRAY HAIR: She’s absolutely right. Do what works for you. Only you know that. And what works for you today may not work for you tomorrow. For me, each white strand of hair represents wisdom I’ve gained. The young have many things to offer the world, but wisdom isn’t one of them. I love my hair. Just as we don’t need a society telling us we should all look young, sexy and ready to procreate at a given moment, we also don’t need a society telling us we should all have gray hair, swear off all adornments and howl at the moon.
ME: That makes sense too. You both make sense. Two people, so seeming different and yet you completely agree.