Like reality TV, anger, irritation and hurt can occur at family gatherings. The fact that some members are inevitably out of their natural setting while others have their natural setting disrupted doesn't help. Just as there's no one to blame for these environmental issues, there's no one to blame for the collective forces in families that resist change .
- While in reality shows, contestants are expected to be to have different perspectives, in families there can be an assumption that all the adults should agree if not on their world view, at least on details of holiday planning such as dates, place, travel, who will be there, food, traditions, etc. even if it's rare that they make decisions together. Some members may believe they know what's best for all involved. Equally problematic are those who begrudgingly agree to everything even when it's unreasonable.
- There can also be the impossible expectation that all will revert to their role in their family of origin. Aside from new members of the family (by marriage or birth), there are family members who aren’t so keen on playing their old role - maybe they never liked it; maybe it no longer fits.
The task of reality shows are simply: you try to get the bachelor or try to be named America’s top model, but for family holiday gatherings, the sensationalized task is to find deep and profound meaning, connection ... and joy; not easy, especially when energy is spent on keeping the status quo.
Perhaps the more realistic, transformational and even spiritual task for each of us over the holidays is to try to create new ways to connect with the people we care about without loosing our connection to ourselves. For some this may mean "Lighten up and try to be a little more flexible." For others this may mean "Take care of yourself and stop being so overly accommodating." For some this is all easier said than done. Real change takes time - more time than one holiday season usually allows.
Wishing each of you and your families a Happy and Healthy Holiday Season.
For those who already have perfectly happy and healthy families - know that yours would make a terribly boring reality show.
For those whose families struggle at times with togetherness or separateness - I wish you and yours moments of connection, moments of peace and moments of growth.