How do you follow your heart, use your abilities and give something of value to the world, all while keeping everyone happy? You don’t.
Inspired by Nancy Reagan, I’m starting my own "Just Say No" campaign. Instead of a War on Drugs, crime, or premarital sex..., I’m proclaiming a war on over committing. My war will address all things big and small that we do to sacrifice our selves, our time and our needs.
I wasn’t always so militant about this. I did many a favors and projects. You could even say, I did a marriage, all with the seeming goal of taking care of everyone else. As tempting and fun as it would be to blame those who I felt abused my “kindness," the problem was mine. Until about 12 years ago, I was running an “All About Me” campaign to solidify an image of myself as a very nice, giving and helpful person.
Ahhh…..I loved that idea of me….until of course it landed me and my halo in therapy. After countless tearful sessions, I learned that sometimes others needs don’t fit with mine. Can you imagine? I couldn’t either.
People pleasing was an exhausting endeavor, one that left me little energy to consider how I wanted to spend my fleeting moment here on earth. While I was saying yes to too many things, however, I was also paying attention to what irritated me and what energized me. These were great barometers.
Saying “No” isn't easy, especially when you’re just getting started. Personally, I’ve never been comfortable with “….Are you kidding? Why would I want to do that?” Nor am I comfortable with “Oh. Wow…I’d love to. Thank you so much for thinking of me. You are beyond sweet. But, right now, I just wouldn’t be able to give your project what it needs, deserves … is worthy of. I'm so sorry. I feel terrible. Will you forgive me?” I prefer something more like, “I wish I had more time, but I really can’t right now – I have other things I'm trying to stay focused on.” I really do wish I had more time, but I don't.
One approach I’d highly recommend to any novice, is to give yourself time. I don’t always know in the moment if I want to commit to something. So I try to do the only self respecting thing I can think of, which is to say, “I’ll think about it and let you know...as soon as I can.”
Just recently I heard someone kvetching about having to do something they didn’t want to do. I made the ridiculous suggestion that they not do it, which was followed by “Oh, I could NEVER say no…not to THEM. They would NEVER take no for an answer.” “Maybe THAT’S EXACTLY WHO YOU NEED TO SAY NO TO,” I resisted saying outloud. If the biggest risk of saying no is that “they” won’t like you or won’t want you in their life, consider yourself lucky.
For those who might be thinking, I’ve gone all Ayn Rand and am suggesting that our choices only make sense if they maximize our self interest, I should point out and you can quote me on this…wait, I’ll just go ahead and quote myself:
“One of the main reasons we should protect our time, passions and abilities is so we can harness them in a way that’s not just good for us, but for the world."
- Courtney Snyder
(For an addendum to this post, see There Are No Mistakes in Improv.)